Some people including Affleck himself! Detective Boney is the name of a crucial character in Gone Girl. It is not another one of my bad dick jokes. Here, then, is your spoiler-free, step-by-step guide to solving the biggest mystery yet of the fall moviegoing season. Before we begin, I must warn you that there is a first step that will make the dick-spotting much, much easier, but is unfortunately and irrevocably out of your control: 1. Be a dude. Settle in. Enjoy the ride before then! Tyler Perry! Neil Patrick Harris! Casey Wilson!
Even Lee Daniels could not have cast Gone Girl any better or weirder. There will come a time near the very end of the movie when one character suggests that Ben Affleck take a shower. This is your cue! The other character will then leisurely stroll upstairs, and the next scene begins in media res in the bathroom, with Affleck shrugging off his clothes as he approaches the shower moving right to left. Focus intently on the screen at this moment. Do not look at the other character, who is naked and showering at scene-left.
You did not come here for this other character. Know your mission. Memorize it. Say it out loud to yourself in the bathroom mirror before you leave your home. The camera will start a parabolic dive-swoop towards the disrobing Affleck as he pulls off the below-the-waist garments that have previously restricted your visual access to his nethers. Goddammit, Julie! Relax, because there is the ass. Is it not fine? Smooth, supple, and tinted olive by director of photography Jeff Cronenweth? It is a good ass.
The people nod in assent, knowing this in their hearts to be true. You may be tempted to focus on the ass. You cannot. This is where it will appear. We are close now. Can you feel the anticipation? The moral rot? It is a great thing to feel these things communally at a movie theater. We have dick! We have the Affleck dick! Pop some Champagne! Kiss a baby!
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