Disclaimer: This story includes details of sexual abuse and may be triggering to some. His face lit up so much I remember thinking he looked like the sun. I was 4 at this time. He was so proud of me as he cheered me on. You caught a fish!
He lifted me up and spun me around as I screamed in delight. My dad was my best friend, my hero, the most incredible person in the whole world. It was really true what they say. My life was picture perfect at this time. I had 2 parents who loved me, and an older brother who I wanted to be next to in every moment.
I started playing soccer and T-ball, both of which I excelled at. We would go camping every chance we could get. I was a very outgoing, loving, and full-of-life child. I felt the blood rush to my face with embarrassment. I remember staring at my underwear in the bathroom later that day. Why was there blood there? Where is it coming from? I went into my room, changed my clothes, and threw them in the hamper. Panic took over my body while I stood in front of my mother. I tried so desperately to find the words to tell her what happened.
I never want to go back there! Her anger grew. I remember seeing it all over her face. She rolled her eyes, started mumbling to herself how that was her break, how upset she was, and stormed out of the room in a huff. I can still feel the way I felt that day in that room. Loneliness held me tightly.
I started crying. This lesson was internalized into my soul from that day forward. I was either 5 or 6, not long after the first incident, when John started rubbing me on top of my bathing suit. I was confused. Maybe this is fine. I felt that same rush to my face with embarrassment.
My body was on fire once again. What is happening? Is this right? It must be okay. The night terrors started happening around this time. Anxiety started to course through my veins. Am I bad? Does God hate me? I need to stay quiet. When it ended, static took over the screen. I hopped up and went over to pick a new one. The Little Mermaid? And then the screen flickered onto 2 adults in the desert.
I went, sat down, and watched. As she took off her pants and he started doing the same things that happened to me, my body filled with a feeling I never had before. Sheer terror as my mind was trying to comprehend what I was seeing. My dad made this tape for me. Does my dad like to do this stuff? Is this normal? I watched the whole thing as my body was frozen with shock and fear. Is that what is going to happen to.. Why does my dad have this? I found a lot. I cried hysterically. It must be a part of life. Why is my dad hiding this stuff? I felt so alone and broken sitting with my demons.
They had a grip on me that suffocated me from that day forward. I lost the last fragment of safety I felt in that moment. My hero was not who I thought he was. After that, my memories started to cut out. There was an incident in my room, when I was sleeping. I awoke with my body in pure shock.
Someone is touching me. Who is it??? It was pitch black as I stared up into the emptiness. I have no memories of what else happened that night. I woke up the next day, got ready for school, and told myself it was a bad dream. Camping was my safe haven. Every week in the summer we would go. I remember this day so clearly. I was 9.
I spent the whole day on the water fishing with my dad. I adored those times with him. Watching the waves hit the boat. Out fishing my dad that he would jokingly be mad about since I was so good.
Spending time with just me and him, and no women or screens in sight. I had all of him to myself. I loved that. That night, the adults told us kids to go in the camper, it was time for bed. John was on this trip.
John and my brother folded down the kitchen table, put a mattress on it, and laid down. I always slept in the top bunk above the driver and passenger seat. I loved that spot. I always felt like I was on top of the world when I would look out the windows. I was falling asleep when John crawled into my bunk. What was he doing up here? Then he started taking off my pants. Not again. Scream Carissa. Knock on the windows to let the adults know you need them! I opened my mouth to scream, but nothing came out. I glanced down at my brother and begged him in my mind to wake up.
Please wake up! But I watched him sleep, as John started. Everything goes black after that. It finally stopped when I was 10, but it was just the beginning of my suffering from keeping these secrets.